Being brave.

If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. – Brene Brown

It's been a while since I've written because some of how I've been thinking and feeling is not pleasant. I've been a bit sad, and a little scared, and a more angry than I'd have imagined I might be.

I've been ashamed of my feelings then been irritated by my shame. Throughout the process of feeling these things, I'm praying and trusting God. But there's this belief deep inside of me – a belief I don't remember anyone verbalizing or ever applying to anyone else – a belief that if I'm trusting God and believe He is who and what He claims to be, then I wouldn't be feeling these things. Therefore my emotions must be an indicator that I'm not trusting. Which irritates me all over again and makes me defensive becau…

Art journaling in the dark.

" the dark" = Because I'm creating and thinking about something completely unexpected and unfamiliar.

How we got here:

Family history on both sides of breast and ovarian cancer including both grandmothers; one survived and one had a second diagnosis of bilateral breast cancer and died seven years later of metastatic breast cancer. Also a male relative diagnosed with breast cancer in his 40s.

Starting Oct 2015 on through Oct 2017, I had two biopsies, was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 42, had BRCA lab testing, a lumpectomy, six weeks of radiation, follow-up mammograms and appointments and was given the all-clear.

I had been referred to the Department of Human Genetics at Cincinnati Children's for a cancer syndrome panel and had appointment this past January. They realized my original BRCA test was incomplete and added it to the panel. Results back about three weeks ago. My BRCA1 result paired with our family history means high risk for recurrence of breast…

Again! Again!

Because children have abounding vitality, because they are in spirit fierce and free, therefore they want things repeated and unchanged. They always say, "Do it again"; and the grown-up person does it again until he is nearly dead.
For grown-up people are not strong enough to exult in monotony. But perhaps God is strong enough to exult in monotony. It is possible that God says every morning, "Do it again" to the sun; and every evening, "Do it again" to the moon.
It may not be automatic necessity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that God makes every daisy separately, but has never got tired of making them.
It may be that He has the eternal appetite of infancy; for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we. ― G.K. Chesterton, Orthodoxy
I like that last sentence a lot:  ... for we have sinned and grown old, and our Father is younger than we.
That rings true to me, this idea that death involves growing old mentally as well as physica…

Quotes. First Edition.

I am a collector of words, usually in the form of quotes from books though I do like a good definition now and again. Words bring images to mind and the most real words are the ones that point to the cosmos around us. I tend to often use words in my artwork, usually mixed media projects.

I love when authors describe a thing using seemingly unrelated words – for instance, using colors to describe noises or personifying physical feelings like pain. But then you read it and you can see it in your head and feel it and those unrelated words make total sense and give the thing being described more weight and being.

So after a week of watching the BBC miniseries "Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell" I went back and looked at some quotes I highlighted on my Kindle when I read the book a few years ago.

I really enjoy Susanna Clarke's gift for combining words to create imagery. I'm just going to leave some of these here for you to enjoy if that's your thing too*.

“She wore a…

Back to the Faith and the Art.

"The journey homewards. Coming home. That's what it's all about. The journey to the coming of the Kingdom. That's probably the chief difference between the Christian and the secular artist – the purpose of the work, be it story or music or painting, is to further the coming of the Kingdom, to make us aware of our status as children of God, and to turn our feet toward home." – Madeleine L'Engle, Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art Oh man, do I love this book. But it's been a while since I read it and I realize I let the house renovations and the illness crowd out the creativity over the last year. 

I actually love re-making our house. I love the painting, tiling, taking down walls, re-configuring... just really like making a small, older-but-not-old-enough-to-be-cool 1989 house into something more cozy and giving it some character. But last fall I got knocked off track with the breast cancer diagnosis. Which is completely understandable and unavoid…

Ideas and a Mea Culpa

First, the idea: I've decided to start posting here as a kind of journal while I work through my issues with creativity and my interactions with God – which are very often the same things. Good idea, A++

Second, a confession: My earlier Facebook post about my health may have read as thoughtful and mature. But in reality is was the result of a mini-temper tantrum a few days ago.

I went to schedule my next haircut appointment and the receptionist replied that the date in my normal time frame fell on Nov 7th... which is the date of my next follow-up mammograms, scan, and surgeon appointment. I got flustered and had to apologize and hung up.

I was so mad!

Like, not scared about the mammograms but just mad because I want to be done feeling like my time is not my own ("Mine! My own! My preciousssssss!") I want to not have ot think about bra I should wear so I'm not sore by the end of the day or have to keep track of a doctor's appointment six months out. We scheduled our &…

June 2016

We've been working hard and learning all kinds of new things while creating for Resurgam Coffee. We're creating a website with e-commerce aspects, forms that automatically send intake info to a spreadsheet, fluid layouts that will work correctly across a variety of platforms (smartphones, tablets, desktops, laptops... though I'm not bothering with Apple Watches. Sorry.) And this past week has included laying out the design for their coffee bags and labels.

It's been fun, interesting, and sometimes stressful as we learn how to integrate all the things that need to happen for a multi-purpose site to work well and still convey the message of what Resurgam Coffee is about. In the meantime I highly recommend going over and checking out the Resurgam Coffee Facebook page and visiting Lemonade International to see why this is more than just coffee and what Resurgam means in real life – The Latin translation is "I will rise." (Which is an extra dose of random awesome…