I give up.

I'm telling you, if you're a believer and you're struggling with something with deep roots, trying like crazy to dig to the bottom of it, worship will do it every time. My dad was saying yesterday that it's like a prayer language that totally intimidates the enemy and he has to flee when it begins. And I think it's also like fire and the enemy, like sin, is completely flammable. When we walk into the presence of the Lord-- whether we dance, crawl or limp in, singing-- the consuming fire that is His holy presence begins to burn away the dross in us. And the enemy, who would press my face into my navel, not looking for the Lord, cannot stand that holy presence. I think that's a big part of the whole mystery. It shows up in the psalms all the time-- start off with "OH, woe is me..." and end with "You alone are perfect in all Your ways! Praise You!"

Anyway, I'm standing there with suds and water all over my hands and somehow all over my arms and in my hair, weeping, singing "You alone are holy, You alone are worthy, You alone are God and worthy of my praise," adding "dammit" every few lines. It went against everything within me, honestly, for a few minutes. Look, the bottom line is that this is literally the most mysterious road I have ever walked down with the Lord. But I cannot leave Him. Everything in me knows that He is good. And I'm not brainwashed or fearful or stupid: I know it.
~ http://thisonetime-samantha.blogspot.com/

I'm struggling with some things right now. And I realized I'm not going to God in the midst of it. I'm aware of Him, I love Him...I adore Him. But I'm not clutching Him like I should be in the midst of this mental and emotional thing I'm having. And by "should be" I don't mean in some "doing the right 'Christian' thing" way. There are times when I'm a mess and being in Rusty's arms and hugging him in silence makes me feel better. It doesn't change the situation but it makes me feel better. I used to do that with God; being with Him and being in His arms made things feel better even when they weren't. I don't know when that stopped and it doesn't feel good. It feels worse to admit that I noticed it a week or so ago and haven't done anything to change it. I don't know why. I truly and fully adore my God. I believe He loves me.

This morning I was reading and thinking and realized there are times - a lot of times - when I feel God prompting me to do something and I blow it off as my own idea or my own desire, deem it therefore not as important because I came up with it, and move on (mostly without doing it.) What a wasted opportunity! Who have I become and how did it happen so suddenly when I thought everything was ok? Is this just a speed-bump and I'm being emotional about it? Totally possible. But being emotional about it still doesn't mean it's not there.

I'm going to take that random blogger's advice, above, and purposefully worship God. I don't know a lot of worship songs, actually, so I'm going to have to be deliberate about all of this. Put some effort in. And I'm also going to go through my art supplies and get my stuff out of my dining room and back into my workroom and start creating again. Every time I stop creating I fall apart... maybe I just answered my "what's going on?" question right there.

I am rambling, I'm well aware of that.


EmilyAdele said…
I have been noticing the same thing with me. When I neglect my prayer journal or tapping into my creativity I feel deeply aware of how I'm ignoring God. And I miss Him. I know He is always with me, but I miss my own awareness of His presence. Thanks for rambling on this topic and for sharing random blogger's thoughts. Good stuff!
Jodi said…
So I find that when I have a disconnect, it's because I don't have a God nitch. At least that's what I'd like to call it. So I throw myself into serving in some capacity, then miraculously I feel better...wierd...but true. I have to have a project to feel connected with God, which leads to some kind of worship, usually. So you need to create something or make a mess and catch something on fire maybe? Or you could just join me in wrapping some gifts on 12/15 in the evening....Ha! Love you friend!

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