Honesty.

I've started this post so many times before but deleted in the name of sanity or common sense or just plain being unrealistic.  Or possibly offending someone.  But I feel like I'm being dishonest anymore.  I have to get this out.

I posted this a while back and talked through whether it was about the building itself or if it would work somewhere else.  It then turned into "can it happen in the suburbs?" and I honestly tried to convince myself it could.  I wanted it to be able to work in the suburbs, so I could still be on the rational side of things.  But the reality is that I don't think it can.  Not on the scale it needs to be.  That I feel God wants it to be. 

I feel like my brain works differently than most of the people around here.  Where they see "bigger and better" I see people living with blinders on.  People need to wake up and see the creativity all around them, the creation of the One True Creator.  And be amazed at their link to Him - that they are made in His image.  We are made in the image of the One who created the trees in my backyard and the stars that shine over us when we sit outside in the summer talking way late into the night.  I'm just not sure any of that is really visible when you can't see past the three car garages and multi-level decks of our area.

God is so very close to us and so many people are not even aware of it.  We're too busy worrying about our mortgage or our work stresses or the kids or the newest episode of whatever's on TV.  And I'm not saying those things are inherently bad and don't deserve our time - we have to plan our own family budget in order to survive just like anyone else.  But these things are not life.  They are not what's real and good and true about this time we have on earth until God calls us to the next life.  

I try to believe I can be a part of that awakening here where we are.  But the reality is that I feel like I'm dying.  Only part of me is allowed to be of use in the conversation, and it's not up to me which part is usable.  I don't identify here.  I miss the reality of life closer in and closer-up.  

So here is my insanity.  I want out of here.  I want to move closer to the city.  If I thought we could break even (not even "if I thought we could re-coup our down payment") but if we could just break even, I'd talk to Rusty seriously about moving.  Moving to St. Bernard.  Or Norwood.  Or Northside... one of those "Oh my god, you can't be serious!  Those aren't nice places to live!" or "They're schools aren't the best" or insert any other "you're insane" replies here.  And you'd be right... and totally wrong.  

As far as "nice" places to live?  I struggle.  What makes them nice?  I can plot my own lifeline on the street grid of St. Bernard.  Where family members lived, where events took place, where softballs games were played on July 4th and where cousins, parents and grandparents went to school.  I find that nice.  But that's not all there is.  I would be happy in Norwood.  Or even Hartwell.  Or somewhere else close in.  There is a reality to it.  The people who never make enough money to move to the suburbs aren't necessarily less worthy of knowing.  You just have to be willing to know them.  And I so am.  I miss the reality of life.  I'm tired of the prettiness of the suburbs.  I want the beauty of the struggle to live every day.

I know it's just geography.  I should be happy anywhere.  And I'm not "unhappy."  I just long for more.  And not the "more" the rest of my neighbors long for.  I don't eventually want a bigger house.  Or a newer car.  I want a more conscious life.  

I'm rambling, I know.  But this stuff is spilling out and I seriously am almost drowning in it.  It doesn't make sense.  I don't know if it's possible.  But I'm saying now, for the record, that if God has a way then I'm willing.  And Rusty gets it.  Which makes me, again, thank God profusely for sending us to each other.  He gets that life is not what we see on the surface and he gets that I get speechless by a clear sky with a full moon turning the edges of the clouds gold and can't carry on a conversation for the beauty of it all.  

Also?  Know this is about God and not me.  If God wants me in the suburbs?  I'm here.  I'm His.  Do with me what you will.  But the ultimate goal is the same.  Waking people up before it's too late, for the love of God and the love of beauty and all things real.

I rant.  I know.  This is just my brain online, really.  Sorry it's a mess but it's sure as hell as real as I can possibly be.  I am His.  There's nothing more I can say than that.

Comments

Anonymous said…
KNOW that I am praying for you. And anytime you need a dose of citylife, come visit me! ;-) Emily
jae said…
You know those stupid little girl jumps (more like mini-hopping) with the even stupider girlie, excited claps that go with it? Picture me doing that right now.

You're not insane -- you're in tune.
Bets said…
as we were driving through the middle -of-nowhere wilds of the Upper Peninsula a couple of years ago - Man! I thought I had grown up in the middle of nowhere, but THIS is truly uninhabited - I saw a man out sweeping pine needles off his front stoop. And I had 2 thoughts simultaneously:
"I would die instantly out here"
and
"People need to live where they see God."
Teresa said…
I so totally understand. We used to live in North Avondale and believe it or not, I loved it and I miss it. I wanted to live in Clifton but my husband was totally against it. Now we live in Lockland and he still thinks we live in the inner city....LOL! If God wants you to move, then he'll move you. Expect Him to do great things and He will.

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