"...in the dark" = Because I'm creating and thinking about something completely unexpected and unfamiliar.
How we got here:
Family history on both sides of breast and ovarian cancer including both
grandmothers; one survived and one had a second diagnosis of bilateral breast cancer and died seven years later of metastatic breast cancer. Also a male relative diagnosed with breast cancer in his 40s.
Starting Oct 2015 through Oct last year, I was had double biopsies, was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 42, had BRCA lab testing, a lumpectomy, six weeks of radiation, follow-up mammograms and appointments and was given the all-clear. I had been referred to the Department of Human Genetics at Cincinnati Children's for cancer syndrome panel and had appointment this past January. They realized my original BRCA test was incomplete and added it to panel. Results back about three weeks ago. My BRCA1 result paired with our family history means high risk for recurrence of bre…
It's been three weeks since my sister's husband died. I've been doing a lot of praying since then. And a ton of writing in my notebook. There is a patch from yesterday that I think relates to the idea of faith and art and why we create in the first place.
...I'm conflicted because one moment I seem to "get" that this life is temporary. I mean, I don't just acknowledge it but really fully feel it. This world and this life is only a very bad copy of what we're created to be and of the reality that God exists in.
I sense it so strongly sometimes that I almost feel like I could go out and kick the car in the driveway and it would crumble up like tissue paper. And if I blew into the air the clouds would part and the sky would ripple like a curtain - that's how strong a sense of falseness I have at times about this life. But then I stick out my foot and rest it on the coffee table. And realize how hard and solid it is. And the …
If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs three ingredients to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in the petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. – Brene Brown
It's been a while since I've written because some of how I've been thinking and feeling is not pleasant. I've been a bit sad, and a little scared, and a more angry than I'd have imagined I might be.
I've been ashamed of my feelings then been irritated by my shame. Throughout the process of feeling these things, I'm praying and trusting God. But there's this belief deep inside of me – a belief I don't remember anyone verbalizing or ever applying to anyone else – a belief that if I'm trusting God and believe He is who and what He claims to be, then I wouldn't be feeling these things. Therefore my emotions must be an indicator that I'm not trusting. Which irritates me all over again and makes me defensive becau…